10 REASONS WHY PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF ART.

      For those that aren't familiar with it, Professional wrestling (or more specifically Sports Entertainment, as branded by the WWE) is akin to improvised, sadomasochistic ballet.  The WWE is one of the most successful entertainment corporations in the world, with some of the longest running, highest rated television shows.  Somehow in spite of this, the WWE, and the "sport" as a whole, are mostly referenced  derisively as the lowest common denominator in popular media.  Despite the intensive years of practice and self sacrifice, Sports Entertainers are often looked at as a cheesy, scantily clad alternative to Nascar Drivers.  In truth "Rasslin'" is not only equal to the "higher arts" of poetry, theater, dance, song and visual constructs; it is an amalgamation, taking those concepts and twisting them into something miraculously awkward and stunning, who's true fans remain un-jaded by pretentious status quo and never miss a show.  Here are the top 10 reasons why Professional Wrestling is the highest form of art:

1. People get paralyzed and sometimes die for this art OFTEN.

        

 Nuff’ said.

2. Gloriously Self-Indulgent and Bizarre.

Vincent Kennedy McMahon is a weird motherfucker, and at the end of the day he’s only out to please himself, which ultimately makes for a unique and sometime off-putting but often enjoyable viewing experience.  The week of Linda Mcmahon’s Senate election, Vince ran around with her campaign slogan taped to his naked ass.  Mae Young gave birth to a slimy hand on live TV.  That's just the tip of the inexplicable.


3. Freedom of Speech and Live TV.

It literally amazes me that children run around screaming “Suck it!” all day.  Stone Cold Steve Austin made the middle finger a more common gesture than the peace sign.  CM Punk (who is currently the best thing they have going), speaks directly from his mind and often comes off effeminate, ego-centric and redundant, while still managing enough catchphrases and "pipe bombs" to make a great montage for next week’s build up to the PPV.  WWE is a constantly shifting, beautiful mess.

4. Audience Participation.

I love it!  They have instant feedback as to what works and what doesn’t.  If someone really, really sucks and everybody says so, that person gets fired!  Conversely: you can pick a hero and send them on their journey towards stardom.  The crowd are your united brethren!  Unless they’re not, and then you have...

5. Inter-Audience Feuds.

I “almost” get into a fight every time I go to a live event.  Either some douche won’t put down his stupid sign that is blocking everybody’s view, or some neanderthal who thinks wrestling is real takes personal offense to my cheering for a "bad guy" (heel) and my insistence that their stolen victory was righteous and well deserved.  You pick the wrestlers you love, you pick the wrestlers you hate, and then you talk shit to anybody with opposing beliefs; its much more cathartic and honest than any anonymous internet talkback.

6. Songs can’t get thrown off a 16 ft. steel cage, through an announce table and onto concrete.  A ballerina has never been intentionally hit so hard a tooth shot out of his/ her nose.  

Vincent Van Gogh didn’t lose his ear while painting, and he didn’t wait til’ the painting was done to notice.

7. Constant Controversial White Bread, Offensive, XenoPhobic, Honky Loving Subtext.

WWE will aways hold the shock factor card because it continues to evolve within new models of discrimination (i.e. this shit’s racist).  Take for instance The Awesome Truth: the Caucasian "Miz" struts around in posh, pressed suits, while his tag team partner "R-Truth" wears the same bullet proof vest with shitty New Jersey Boardwalk airbrushing every week.  Miz speaks eloquently with poise; R-Truth hallucinates and babbles with no coherent train of thought.  Reverend Slick ate fried chicken while he rapped about being a “Jive Soul Bro.” Kaientai modeled their speech and mouth movements to old Godzilla movies and attempted to cut off a white man’s penis because he had sex with an Asian chick.  Alberto Del Rio and Jinder Mahal are heels because they are foreign and rich.  George "the Animal" Steel was so mentally disabled he would eat the ring posts.  "Eugene" also had a more severe neurological handicap that required him to ride his opponents around like horsies.  Cryme Time.  Latino Heat.  Its incredible that the stereotypes that held past generations down in the depths of despair are completely tolerated in this capacity.  As shocking and ignorant as it is, its a breath of fresh air when drowning in a constant toilet of political correctness.  I’m sorry, I know, I’m an asshole.  I like to feel a range of both positive and negative emotions while being hypnotized by my boob tube.  Which leads me too...

8. Its Sexist.

     My wife hates it.  Almost all of the women have fake breasts, and are only granted less than four minutes each week for a full match, where they are primarily encouraged to contort into jack off positions.  Just like women have their Sex and the Cities and My So Called Lives, Men have rasslin’.  Not to say that women can’t enjoy it, its again just nice to have something so overtly manly.  Which also leads me too...

9. It Allows Whatever Gayness Lingers in My Subconscious to Feed on its Overt Homo-eroticism.

Goldust was trying to push his bisexuality on us (as was the lesser Rico), thus he was evil.  Yet these men were less scantily clad, toned, oiled up, and beautiful then the men grinding on them and kicking their asses for being fags.  I’m not gay, I’m just saying that maybe having an excuse to stare at men’s asses and abs in an implied totally heterosexual way keeps me from actually going out and getting gay.

10. Daniel Bryan.

See: any of his matches.  See also: Brian Danielson.